I purchased a handy little deck of cards from Jane Nelson's positive discipline series and decided to pull a card out a random today, it said:
Validate Feelings-
1. Allow children to have their feelings so they can learn they are capable of dealing with them.
2. Don't rescue, distract, or try to talk kids out of their feelings.
3. Validate their feelings, "I can see you are really (angry, upset, sad, confused)."
4. Then keep your mouth shut and have faith in your children to work it through.
As any normal parent sometimes does, I do find myself trying to rescue, distract, or talk Layla out of her feelings. Just the other day she was painting and she added too much water, creating a hole in her paper. She began to cry and eventually melt down and I found myself doing all three of these things.
"It's not a big deal, it's just a piece of paper. We have more. It's nothing to cry about."
(Talking her out of her feelings)
"Here we can take another piece of paper and tape it to the back, see all fixed!"
(Rescuing her by fixing her problem for her)
"Oooh, look at this other cool paper we have! It's all sparkly."
(Distracting her from her feelings)
Next time, I will try to remember to keep my mouth shut and simply say,
"You are sad and frustrated that your paper ripped. I'm sorry you're upset."
That's it. I don't have to say or do anything else. As long as she knows I am empathetic and supportive of her emotions, I have to have faith in her to figure the rest out.
Another example, from the book, "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelson.
Your child leaves a toy at the park and throws a fit. What’s the solution? Let her have her fit, and say, “I’m so sorry you’re so upset. When you’re ready to talk about this, let me know.” It’s critical to wait until your child has calmed down. When that’s happened, then you might say something like, “What would help you next time to remember?" Right away, she is involved in the problem-solving. As she thinks of solutions, it helps her feel more capable.
You might be one of those parents who will go back to the park to get the toy, time and time again, complaining the whole way. While you’re busy rescuing, you’re also lecturing: “Well, maybe next time you’ll learn to be more responsible.” So, you're putting the child down, while simultaneously solving their problem for them. So, it’s a double-whammy and it’s mixed messages. I never think we should inflict suffering on our children. But, I do think we should allow them to suffer. There’s a huge difference. If they‘re suffering due to a choice they’ve made, parents don’t need to lecture them or rescue.
No comments:
Post a Comment