The way you speak to children
can have a significant impact on their behavior and the way they react to you.
Consider the following tools for communicating effectively with kids. Children,
like adults, want to feel that they have control over what happens to them.
They don’t like being commanded, punished, or told what to do. Children will
react to your requests more willingly when you ask in a respectful, positive,
and firm way.
I-Messages:
Your feelings + what is
happening + the reason.
“It scares me when you stand
on the table, I’m afraid you might fall.”
“I am happy when you use your
words because I know exactly what you want and I can help you.”
“I feel sad when you hit your
sister because it hurts her body.”
Giving Information/
Broadcasting:
Try not making any requests
and simply stating what you see.
Then give the child time to
react.
“I see the book is on the
floor.”
“The book goes on the shelf.”
Natural/ Logical
Consequences:
Natural consequences occur
without any help from you. They help develop an internal locus of control. Try not to punish, reward, or rescue. Let
children experience disappointment. You can empathize with their feelings
without fixing or correcting.
Logical consequences make
sense and are related to the behavior.
Say this:
“By not getting your pajamas
on, you are choosing to go to bed without a story.”
Not this:
“If you don’t finish your
lunch, we are not going to the movies tonight.”
That consequence is not
related to the behavior at all and is therefore considered a punishment.
If the child leaves a
favorite toy at the park, they will deal with that disappointment, and learn to
take responsibility for their own stuff in the future.
If the child refuses food at
lunchtime, they will feel the consequence of hunger while they wait until
snack.
“If you wait too long to get
your pajamas on, you may miss story time.”
“If you chose not to wear
your coat, you may get cold on our walk to the park.”
Don’t
rescue or try to prevent children from experiencing discomfort. Learning takes
place when children experience the consequences of their actions without blame,
shame, or ridicule.
All of their emotions
are OK – it’s some of their behaviors that are inappropriate:
Avoid lecturing- Why don’t you…? How come you never….?
Haven’t I told you….?”
Effective discipline is meant
to teach, not to punish or make them feel bad about themselves. Actions and
follow through are important so the child can learn for themselves that their
behavior has consequences. You can still empathize with their feelings without
giving in.
“I am sorry that you didn’t
get your pjs on in time and now you’ve missed your story. I am sure you will
make a different choice tomorrow.”
“I can understand you are feeling
hungry because you chose not to eat. What could you do differently tomorrow?”
Routines-
Let Routines be the
boss. Avoid power struggles by taking yourself out of the equation. It’s them
against the world, not them against you!
“In our house we speak to
each other using kind words, can you ask me in a different way?”
“Toys get cleaned up before
we eat snack.”
“Pajamas are on before story
time.”
“What does our routine chart
say next?”
“I’m sorry you are hungry,
but our kitchen closes at 8pm. You’ll be really hungry for breakfast in the
morning, right?
Contingencies:
(A second action depends on
the first.) Often called the “broken record technique”. Tell them what needs to
happen and then give them time to respond. Don’t waiver from your request or
give in.
“When the blocks are put
away, it will be time for lunch.”
“After your coat and shoes
are on, we can head outside.”
“When the food is picked up
off the floor, you can continue to eat lunch.”
“After you eat healthy food,
you can have a treat.”
Giving Choices:
(Both choices must be
acceptable.) Kids want to be in control of their own destiny. Choices make them
feel like they can decide what happens to them.
“Would you like to hop like a
bunny to the bathroom or run like a cheetah?”
“Would you like to use the
potty before or after we read bedtime stories?”
“You can walk to get your
diaper changed or I will carry you?
It’s up to you.”
“You can wear your boots or
your shoes, which would you like to wear today?”
You Are Telling Me:
By using this technique, you
highlight for the child, what they are telling you by their actions.
“By throwing your food, you
are telling me that you are choosing not to eat dinner.”
“Because your pajamas are not
on yet, you are telling me that you would like to go to bed without reading stories.”
Don’t Do Things for
Children that they Can Do For Themselves:
By doing things for our children that they can do for
themselves, we are robbing them of their own feelings of capability.
Do Take Time for Training-
Don’t assume that your child understands what concepts like
“clean you room” mean. Give them small steps and coach them through the process
until they can master it.
Teach them how to be self-reliant and then don’t cave and do
things for them.
Set Expectations and Consequences
ahead of time:
Before an activity, have a “family meeting” to discuss the
ways we should behave and what the consequences will be if we don’t.
Ask lots of questions-
“How should we act inside the store?”
No running, no
yelling, no grabbing. Ask before you touch. Stay with the cart.
“What will happen if you chose not to behave appropriately?
I will need to hold
your hand for a while. OR I won’t get a
bagel when we are done. OR We will go home.
Say What You Mean and
Follow Through with Dignity and Respect:
If you only take away one
thing from this, remember that it really is as simple as the above
sentence. Children need to be able to trust that you mean what you say. They
want to know where their limits are and they will stop testing you when they
get a consistent response every time.
