Setting Limits- Tools for your Parental Tool Bag

The way you speak to children can have a significant impact on their behavior and the way they react to you. Consider the following tools for communicating effectively with kids. Children, like adults, want to feel that they have control over what happens to them. They don’t like being commanded, punished, or told what to do. Children will react to your requests more willingly when you ask in a respectful, positive, and firm way.   

I-Messages:

Your feelings + what is happening + the reason.
“It scares me when you stand on the table, I’m afraid you might fall.”
“I am happy when you use your words because I know exactly what you want and I can help you.”
“I feel sad when you hit your sister because it hurts her body.”

Giving Information/ Broadcasting:

Try not making any requests and simply stating what you see.
Then give the child time to react.
“I see the book is on the floor.”
“The book goes on the shelf.”

Natural/ Logical Consequences:

Natural consequences occur without any help from you. They help develop an internal locus of control.  Try not to punish, reward, or rescue. Let children experience disappointment. You can empathize with their feelings without fixing or correcting.

Logical consequences make sense and are related to the behavior.
Say this:

“By not getting your pajamas on, you are choosing to go to bed without a story.”

Not this:

“If you don’t finish your lunch, we are not going to the movies tonight.”

That consequence is not related to the behavior at all and is therefore considered a punishment.

If the child leaves a favorite toy at the park, they will deal with that disappointment, and learn to take responsibility for their own stuff in the future.

If the child refuses food at lunchtime, they will feel the consequence of hunger while they wait until snack.
“If you wait too long to get your pajamas on, you may miss story time.”
“If you chose not to wear your coat, you may get cold on our walk to the park.”

Don’t rescue or try to prevent children from experiencing discomfort. Learning takes place when children experience the consequences of their actions without blame, shame, or ridicule.

 All of their emotions are OK – it’s some of their behaviors that are inappropriate:

Avoid lecturing- Why don’t you…? How come you never….? Haven’t I told you….?”

Effective discipline is meant to teach, not to punish or make them feel bad about themselves. Actions and follow through are important so the child can learn for themselves that their behavior has consequences. You can still empathize with their feelings without giving in.

“I am sorry that you didn’t get your pjs on in time and now you’ve missed your story. I am sure you will make a different choice tomorrow.”

“I can understand you are feeling hungry because you chose not to eat. What could you do differently tomorrow?”

 Routines-
Let Routines be the boss. Avoid power struggles by taking yourself out of the equation. It’s them against the world, not them against you!

“In our house we speak to each other using kind words, can you ask me in a different way?”
“Toys get cleaned up before we eat snack.”
“Pajamas are on before story time.”
“What does our routine chart say next?”
“I’m sorry you are hungry, but our kitchen closes at 8pm. You’ll be really hungry for breakfast in the morning, right?

Contingencies:

(A second action depends on the first.) Often called the “broken record technique”. Tell them what needs to happen and then give them time to respond. Don’t waiver from your request or give in.

“When the blocks are put away, it will be time for lunch.”

“After your coat and shoes are on, we can head outside.”
“When the food is picked up off the floor, you can continue to eat lunch.”
“After you eat healthy food, you can have a treat.”

 Giving Choices:

(Both choices must be acceptable.) Kids want to be in control of their own destiny. Choices make them feel like they can decide what happens to them.

“Would you like to hop like a bunny to the bathroom or run like a cheetah?”

“Would you like to use the potty before or after we read bedtime stories?”
“You can walk to get your diaper changed or I will carry you? It’s up to you.”
“You can wear your boots or your shoes, which would you like to wear today?”

 You Are Telling Me:
By using this technique, you highlight for the child, what they are telling you by their actions.

“By throwing your food, you are telling me that you are choosing not to eat dinner.”

“Because your pajamas are not on yet, you are telling me that you would like to go to bed without reading stories.”

Don’t Do Things for Children that they Can Do For Themselves:
By doing things for our children that they can do for themselves, we are robbing them of their own feelings of capability.

Do Take Time for Training-

Don’t assume that your child understands what concepts like “clean you room” mean. Give them small steps and coach them through the process until they can master it.

Teach them how to be self-reliant and then don’t cave and do things for them.

Set Expectations and Consequences ahead of time:
Before an activity, have a “family meeting” to discuss the ways we should behave and what the consequences will be if we don’t.
Ask lots of questions-

“How should we act inside the store?”

No running, no yelling, no grabbing. Ask before you touch. Stay with the cart.
“What will happen if you chose not to behave appropriately?
I will need to hold your hand for a while. OR  I won’t get a bagel when we are done. OR We will go home.

 Say What You Mean and Follow Through with Dignity and Respect:

If you only take away one thing from this, remember that it really is as simple as the above sentence. Children need to be able to trust that you mean what you say. They want to know where their limits are and they will stop testing you when they get a consistent response every time.